The Train Is Off The Track

I have so much running through my head that I’m not sure I could pull it all out and put it into words or not.  I feel like I am in transition in so many areas of my life.  While I don’t usually mind change this time feels different.  Maybe it’s because there are so many parts of my life that are changing.  I feel overwhelmed with the feelings, emotions, relationships or adventures.  I DO have a limit as to how much I can handle.  GREAT – now I feel the tears welling up.  I’m trying to remain calm and collected – trying to keep an even keel.  Most of the time I do ok.  But some areas of my life feel like a train off the tracks but it’s moving slowly.  It’s not slow enough for me to stop it.  All I can do is stand back and watch it.  I see the cliff up ahead and know that it is going to go over the edge and I will never see it again.  But I am helpless to keep it from falling.  All I can do is stand back and watch it.  The saddest part of all is that it is taking a piece of me along with it.  I don’t understand how I got here.  I don’t understand at what point it jumped the track into the gravel.  Did I push it or did it jump on it’s own?  Did someone else push it?  Was the break in the track small or was it big and I just missed it?  I just don’t know.  I wish I did but noone will tell me.  I am all alone watching from the side.  It’s too far gone now anyway.  Even if the train did stop before it went over the cliff the damage has already been done.  The crack in my heart is already there and spreading every day.  The silence is deafening.  You would think there would be a lot of noise with a run away train but there isn’t – not a single sound – no wheel screeching – no people yelling.  Everyone is pretending like nothing is wrong.  But my heart can feel the tear, my eyes can see the disaster ahead and my head is spinning knowing I should do something but also knowing there is nothing TO do.