The Demon Within

First of all let me say if you suffer with any kind of chronic illness – I feel your pain – LITERALLY!  I don’t wish a chronic illness of any kind on my worst enemy.  I’m sorry you are suffering as I do.  I fight Fibromyalgia and Depression on a daily basis and it is the demon within.  Some days are better then others.  The last few days I have been in a flare to beat all flares.  There’s usually a trigger that brings on the flares – weather changes, extreme heat/cold (summer/winter), stress, too much activity.  There are many other triggers that other people experience but those are the biggies for me.  A couple of entries ago I wrote about working out with a trainer.  I believe what brought this flare on is overdoing it with the trainer.  So, when I go for my workout session tomorrow with Stephanie I will mention to her that I think I’m overdoing it.  Almost as soon as I got home from Thursday night’s workout I crashed.  It is Sunday afternoon and I am just beginning to come out of it.

Wanna know what a flare “looks” like?  Ever had the flu?  You know that achy feeling you get when you have the flu that’s just a small part of it.  Now add EXTREME fatigue to those aches.  I’m not talking about the “I’m tired after a long day at work” kind of fatigue.  I’m talking the kind of fatigue you feel when it takes everything you have to roll over in bed or walk to the bathroom – where even laying there watching TV or texting with a friend exhausts you.  Now add to the aches in every part of your body and the overwhelming fatigue the feelings of guilt that you feel like you are letting your family down.  Maybe you made plans for that day with your family or friends – now that is completely out of the question.  Your problem has totally affected the lives of those all around you.  The depression is mind numbing.  You start thinking you are just a burden on everyone around you.  The hardest question to answer in the world is “how are you feeling?”.  You feel like if you actually put it into words you will completely lose your sanity.  Most of the time I say “ok” or “I’ll be fine” when in actuality what I want to say is “I feel like noone else in the world could ever understand the pain, the fog and the depression I feel right now.  And I feel like if I tell you then you will think I’m just making excuses”.  Noone wants to hear anyone else whine.  Everyone hurts somewhere most of the time.  Everyone is tired most of the time.  Everyone forgets things every day.  Who wants to hear about MY problems?  Sound like pity to you?  Well it probably is.  But you walk a day in my shoes on a bad flare day and then tell me how YOU feel.

Anyway, THAT is where I’ve been for the last 3 days.  The best feeling in the world for someone like me are the days when I feel like a NORMAL person.  I appreciate those days immensely – especially on days like this.  The way I get thru these days?  I wait them out.  I let life go on around me.  I let my kids go on with their plans – without me.  My fabulous husband steps in and takes over for me around here.  He supports me and takes wonderful care of me.  When stress piles on top of it all it feels like too much.  But we hold on to each other and wait it out.  One day I will wake up and feel normal again.  I’m never sure when that day will come but it does – eventually.

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One thought on “The Demon Within

  1. Hi Cathy, I just wanted to thank you for your post. Sometimes it helps to know we are not alone. I suffer from multiple chronic illinesses (Fibro included). I really do feel your pain, and I will be lifting you up in prayer.

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