I’m a little torn right now on what to write about. I want to write about friendship. But I am feeling the need to write about judgment. I want to write about confrontation. I had a “discussion” with a friend this afternoon that brings the last two topics to the front of my mind. I suppose all three of them can be wrapped up in a nice neat package. However, the three of them don’t always wrap up so nicely. Occasionally it ends well – as this one did – but a lot of times it doesn’t because not all of us know how to properly confront – MYSELF INCLUDED! Most of the time I turn and walk the other way to avoid it. I know in my mind how to go about it properly but it never quite works out that way when I actually open my mouth and let words start flying and let my emotions get involved. I know when my mouth and emotions get involved my brain seems to disconnect from the whole situation. I think my brain goes ahead and walks away but forgets to tell my mouth and emotions to come along. My brain just takes off like the chicken that it is.
Why do I generally avoid confrontation? Mostly because I don’t stop and think before opening my mouth and letting it fly. Now, Ron is a professional at confrontation. I think he is so good at it he should write a book on how to properly confront someone so that they walk away believing that they were wrong and that he is now their best friend. What’s up with that? You would think after 24 years together some of that would have rubbed off on me. However I think the 18 previous years I spent at home prior to meeting him are ingrained a little deeper than we thought. In my home as a child it was one extreme to the other. I saw no real happy medium. I saw the wrong way and the wrong way. What happened to the right way? Yeah, there’s the problem.
When someone confronts me about something my mouth gets dry, my heartrate speeeds up, my thoughts fly out of my mouth with no filter, I have no idea what I’m saying – if it’s right or if it’s wrong – my face and neck get red. Basically I go into full panic attack mode. I’m even having a bit of a panic attack right now just writing about this topic. Apparently I need to take a lesson in how to properly confront. But I will NOT take that class from Ron because I would seriously hurt him! THAT I’m not afraid of!
I promise tomorrow will be a nice rosy sweet sugar-oozing post about friendship. I know today was about ugly and sour parts of friendship. Please don’t complain about it because I will start crying, turn red and have a panic attack!