Something was pointed out to me this morning that I hadn’t really noticed. I thought I might explore it here and see what my readers have to say about it. First let me give a disclaimer – some of the reasons I write about may come across as judgmental of others. I in no way shape or form intend my reasons to be in judgment of anyone else’s reasons. I will just be explaining from MY point of view – since it’s my blog and all. Please don’t be offended by what I am going to say. There’s really no way to explain this without it coming across as appearing judgemental of those who have a different view.
Ok, now that is out of the way – on with the topic. Mama Sick pointed out that she was surprised I was in the process of filing for disability because, from reading my blog, she didn’t know that I was that ill because I don’t write much about it on here. We discussed it back and forth a bit in her comments section. I have been thinking about it ever since. And that discussion and thought process has led to this post.
The question for me was – Do I share about who I really am and how I really am? One of the reasons I love my blog so much is because I can BE who I am without judgment. Well, most of the time. But does the fact that I don’t write regularly about my physical drawbacks mean that I am not being honest about who I am? I don’t want the Fibro and Depression to define me. However sometimes I think that it does. I think I just fight against showing that to others. I want to appear victorious even though I feel defeated.
I think this whole topic comes around to attitude. I believe Proverbs 23:7 when it says “for as he thinks within himself, so is he” (NASB). I naturally lean toward the negative. However I fight against being negative all the time. I do not, however, have a sunny positive attitude all the time. I think my focus is more on honesty. Sometimes times are good and sometimes times are bad. I want to find something good in each day – even the bad ones. I don’t want the negativity to win out. It’s a matter of where my focus is. I don’t want to always focus on the bad that I am feeling because I don’t want to drag others down with me. I want to make others laugh. That is what I want most here – to make you laugh. Noone wants to read about negative pain all the time. There is nothing funny about that. That doesn’t make anyone’s day better.
I’m not Mary Sunshine. I never will be. But I am also not Debbie Downer. If I am then I need to know it so I can change. I think I have found that line in the center somewhere that allows me to be honest without going to the extreme one way or the other. A postivie attitude is important but it can also come across as annoying. YES – I just said being positive all the time can be annoying. For me that is not natural. I want to be authentic here. Every day is not filled with sunshine and rose. But then every day is not filled with clouds and rain either.
Now that is not to say that talking about my pain (physical and emotional) is not healing. It is! It is helpful to express how I am feeling on a given day. It’s therapeutic. And it helps someone else to realize they are not alone. But I think too that it is helpful for my readers to come here and not leave feeling heavy and burdened. I want them to read my blog knowing that there is more to me then just my pain and fatigue – more than must my diseases.
Occasionally you will see a post here that says something like “Pam is not posting today because she is having a bad day and doesn’t want to drag you down with her”. I have written that before. That is how I feel. I have those around me that I can be honest with every day who help me claw my way up out of the hole in the ground. I don’t want to have to expect you, my readers, to do the same.
So, I’m not sure that any of this makes sense. I probably should have waited a little longer to write this. However, I would love your thoughts. Do I come across as not being honest about who I am and what I deal with? Am I too negative? I’m not even gonna ask if I’m too positive. HAHA Surely that isn’t the case. What say you?