I have been rolling around some ideas in my mind for my blog this morning. Most of what I want to say I have already said before a number of times – just in different ways. Ron is rubbing off on me in that respect. He OVER explains things constantly. This weekend I have gone from the high of spending a day bonding with my daughter to the low of feeling left out and rejected by a friend. Is that a roller coaster or what? I normally like roller coasters. The roller coasters that I do NOT like are the emotional ones.
Have you ever had one of those friends who you think you couldn’t be closer to? They make you feel like you are the only friend who really matters….until the next friend rolls in and they forget all about you. Yes, I am 43 years old and still get my feelings hurt by the rejection of a friend. And the thing is that I let it happen over and over and over again. Why can’t I just emotionally cut the line? I’m guessing it may be because I have so few close friends (3 counting this person). Letting one of them go is like cutting a vein. Do I realize I would be better off without them? Yes! I would be so much happier to not have to worry about how many different ways I am being forgotten or rejected in any given day. YES! So why is is so hard???
I think of those in abusive relationship who make excuses for the abuser and refuse to leave them. I have a different view of their situation now than I did before. What I don’t understand is WHY. Why does it hurt so much to walk away and move forward? Every time this happens I tell myself “this is it! I’m done!”. Yet I get drawn back in – initially by guilt and then by hope. I want to walk away from the pain and hurt. But the hope that things will be different is so strong – even when the mind knows it really isn’t going to change.
Thomas Hardy said “The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.” I believe that describes it perfectly. This friendship has left a scar that cannot be removed by hope.