I’m reading a book right now by Kristin Hannah titled Firefly Lane. It is really making me think alot about me, my life, my relationships and what I want and don’t want. It is about 2 girls/women who become best friends in high school and then are inseparable even when their adult lives take them far distances from one another. One grew up with a drug addicted mother. She never felt loved. But she had big aspirations to become a famous news anchor – which she accomplishes. However she finds out after reaching great successes in the industry that she is still without love and longs for connection with someone beyond the surface.
The other girl ends up getting married and having children. She remains a stay at home mom raising her children. However, she is always jealous of her friend’s jet setting life of fame and fortune. She sees her life as incomplete and unfulfilled compared to her friend. What she doesn’t know is that her friend is also jealous of her life full of love and family. So each one goes through their lives appearing confident and happy when in reality they are each insecure and jealous of the other. I’m not finished with the book yet so I’m not sure how it is going to end. But I am finding a lot of myself in the story.
When I was growing up I never had visions of the fairy tale happily ever after kind of life. I envisioned my life as that of being a teacher with a husband. And I didn’t want to have children. That in itself is an entire year’s worth of therapy sessions. Basically though I didn’t really imagine anything beyond the day I was living. That probably sounds weird. I always hear people talking about how they knew they always wanted a family and a career. But I didn’t. I have my suspicions about why that was the case. But that will take this in an entirely different direction.
I think I didn’t really start dreaming about my life until a few years ago. I continued to live in the present day and let tomorrow just go where it may. However, my illness has really caused me to look inside at what MIGHT have been. As I look back to my life in high school I think of how I wish I had done things differently. I now have a vision for my life – now that my illness has derailed what that vision could have resulted in. Bad timing, huh?
I never see myself, 25 years ago or now, as a corporate woman. As I think about it I wish I had realized I did have a dream back then but I just hadn’t realized it. Yes I would have changed my mind about having children as I eventually did. I would, however, have gone to Veterinarian school to become a Vet. Now there’s a surprise for ya! When I mention that now to someone they say “Oh you can still do that”. But I face reality every day that says it’s just not in the cards for me. I can look back on the path my life has taken and see that it has all worked out as it should. But I do mourn the loss of a dream I didn’t know I had. I think I just didn’t encourage myself to dream. I think I just followed the expected path continuing to do what everyone else wanted and expected me to do. I wish I had searched out my interests deeper and followed the path that they would have led me down.
Do you ever just sit around and think about where you’ve been and where you are going? Do you wonder what life would have been like if you had taken the path to the right instead of to the left? Does that mean that you aren’t happy with your life now? Not necessarily! I am fulfilled being a wife and a mother. I think my unrealized dream is helping me to know how to encourage Michael and Lauren to look far down the road and dream. Then I want to cheer them on all along the way. When they are 44 and look back at their life I want them to say that Ron and I encouraged them to think big beyond the here and now and cheered them on to their dreams!
That’s what I want!