All I See Is Two Black Holes

I’m worried! Ok I’m more than worried – I’m scare to death! God is really doing a number of my faith ability. I know in my heart that I need to just let go and stop letting it consume me. God has seen us through so much in the last 24 years. I know in my logical mind that He will see us through this and provide for our every need. I HATE worry! It’s completely useless. It serves no positive purpose. Most of the time I able NOT to worry. Most of the time I am able to trust God. But the one area I’m having a hard time doing that in is COLLEGE. The numbers don’t add up. I think I’m most concerned about it because we had a plan. We had it all figured out. And our plan has fallen through. The plan was for me to go back to work about now and work through college using my income to pay for two college tuitions at once for four years. Well, fibro has negated that plan. Right now when I look ahead I can see my kids enjoying their senior year of high school. I can see them walking the stage and graduating. But when I get to the part where they move into their college dorms all I see are two black holes. I just don’t see how that is gonna happen.

So when thinking about what to share for Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday this week it seemed obvious that the only thing to pour our is my worry and fear about how we are ever gonna come up with the money to pay for EIGHT years of college in FOUR years. How does that happen? It makes no sense to me. I know from past experience that God is gonna take care of it. I know that He doesn’t see two big black holes. I know He sees the college bills stamped PAID IN FULL. But all I see in my heart is PAST DUE! He has NEVER (and I do mean NEVER) let us down. He’s never let any of the four of us down. We have battled along and stuck together and come out holding hands on the other side. But this time I feel like a failure. I feel like this is all my fault because I can’t do my part. I can’t hold up my end of the bargain. I feel like I am holding us back because my part of the plan flopped. That’s what I feel in my heart. My heart feels bruised and broken. My heart feels like the black hole because that’s what worry does to you. I’ve never felt this unsure about the future. What a huge lesson God is trying to teach me! Will I pass it or will I fail?


7 thoughts on “All I See Is Two Black Holes

  1. Is living at home an option – saves room and board? Or can they work summers and part time to earn gas money and spending money? Just a thought. What about scholarships? i remember it was a struggle and we did without vacations and extras. We cut back on eating out and only had one “good” car. In the end God came through and we made it through – Ours were back to back which is almost as difficult.

    • All changes that are ahead of us. We are counting on some scholarships and eachj of them will be working on campus and in summers. I know we’ll get thru it. And I do know God will walk us thru it all. I am trying so hard to overcome the worry. I know that’s not pleasing to Him. Thank you, Laura!

  2. I so get what you are saying as I too am in such a situation. It really involves our abilty to get through bankruptcy at our late 50’s stage and somehow grow. I feel so responsible because I am the one that has become really disabled and after 33 years, lost my career. We too are trying to understand what god needs from us and I , at times., become consumed with worry. You are so right,; it is so useless. I love your openess. Hang on.

    • It is a confusing road. I know God has it all figured out already. And I know He sees them graduated and moving on with their lives. He is good! Tghank u for the encouragement.

  3. Pam,

    I agree with Shell. If your kids have to live at home the first year, or take out student loans, work & go to school, or some other arrangement…it won’t be the end of the world, ruin their college lives, or even their educations. Sure, campus life & frat parties would be more fun, but rather than hoping God will help you pay for it, take this as an opportunity to teach them God’s real lessons–humility, sacrifice, and appreciation. It stinks that they won’t have the care-free college experience they hoped for, but you didn’t choose to have Fibro, and they know that…we play the cards life deals us.

    My sister is a single mother, with Ankylosing Spondylitis, who refinanced her house & maxed out her credit cards to pay for her older son’s life-saving surgeries when he had a near fatal Ulcerative Colitis attack & needed a colonectomy at 23. There would be no money for her other son for college unless he went to community. So, he worked his tail off for 4 years & got himself a full ride scholarship to George Washington and became a house monitor so his room & board are covered also. He has volunteered his summers at the White House and has just received a Rhodes’ scholarship. I would think that is pretty remarkable, but then my other sister, age 43 who was addicted to meth for 20 years and on parole, attended a fiscal fitness workshop at the library–and just got her GED and gov’t grants and is starting college along with her 19 year old daughter this fall. They’re even dorm-mates!

    So just because you arent dealt a winning hand, doesn’t mean you can’t come up Aces.

    You’ll figure it out, and survive. Look what you do every day just getting up! College? Schmollege! No sweat!!

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