I’m worried! Ok I’m more than worried – I’m scare to death! God is really doing a number of my faith ability. I know in my heart that I need to just let go and stop letting it consume me. God has seen us through so much in the last 24 years. I know in my logical mind that He will see us through this and provide for our every need. I HATE worry! It’s completely useless. It serves no positive purpose. Most of the time I able NOT to worry. Most of the time I am able to trust God. But the one area I’m having a hard time doing that in is COLLEGE. The numbers don’t add up. I think I’m most concerned about it because we had a plan. We had it all figured out. And our plan has fallen through. The plan was for me to go back to work about now and work through college using my income to pay for two college tuitions at once for four years. Well, fibro has negated that plan. Right now when I look ahead I can see my kids enjoying their senior year of high school. I can see them walking the stage and graduating. But when I get to the part where they move into their college dorms all I see are two black holes. I just don’t see how that is gonna happen.
So when thinking about what to share for Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday this week it seemed obvious that the only thing to pour our is my worry and fear about how we are ever gonna come up with the money to pay for EIGHT years of college in FOUR years. How does that happen? It makes no sense to me. I know from past experience that God is gonna take care of it. I know that He doesn’t see two big black holes. I know He sees the college bills stamped PAID IN FULL. But all I see in my heart is PAST DUE! He has NEVER (and I do mean NEVER) let us down. He’s never let any of the four of us down. We have battled along and stuck together and come out holding hands on the other side. But this time I feel like a failure. I feel like this is all my fault because I can’t do my part. I can’t hold up my end of the bargain. I feel like I am holding us back because my part of the plan flopped. That’s what I feel in my heart. My heart feels bruised and broken. My heart feels like the black hole because that’s what worry does to you. I’ve never felt this unsure about the future. What a huge lesson God is trying to teach me! Will I pass it or will I fail?