Are you truly YOU? Do you have anyplace that you can really be who you are? Or have you been “faking” you for so long that you aren’t really sure who YOU are? Do any of us really know who we are? Have you discovered your true identity? Are you hiding who that is in order to please other people?
As you can see I’ve been doing some deep thinking while I’ve been quiet the last couple of weeks. I’m not even sure I could answer any of the questions I asked you above. I’m not sure I’ve ever really explored who I am. I feel like I’ve always had to live a life being who everyone else wanted me to be. When I was little I grew up in the home of a minister who was well known in our denominational state ministry. I remember being told one time “remember whose daughter you are” before going on a church trip. At church I was Mike Stokes’ daughter. My mother worked at my school when I was in elementary school. So, there I was Mrs. Stokes’ daughter. Then when Ron and I got married and started pastoring I was always the Pastor’s Wife. For the last 17 years I’ve been MIchael and Lauren’s Mom. Now my husband is a director in one of our denominational departments so I am the Director’s Wife.
I’m 44 years old but have somehow reached this far into my life without really knowing who PAM is..inside! You know? Above all things I am a Christian so I am a Daughter of the King. But somehow along the way that title has fallen down on the list below all of those other titles. I think that’s who I’m working at discovering now. That’s who I’ve been truly trying to find a slot for in the hierarchy of who I am. That really is the title above all titles. And you know what – that should be the most important one. We should all want to be known as being a Child of the King. But somehow we put more stock into being what people around us expect us to be. I suppose we assume that because we are a Christian then God will understand that we have to please everyone around us. I mean that’s how the world works. We try to live up to everyone else’s expectations of who we are so much that we lose sight of who God wants us to be. And when we search for our identity apart from our Creator then we lose sight of our real self.
As I look back on my life at this point I see 40 years of trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be – always trying to prove I was good enough to carry those titles – when in actuality here I sit 40 years later even more confused and STILL searching for the real me. I’m learning that the real me is not the one I see in the mirror or the one reflected in the eyes of other people around me. The real me is who I see when I open the Bible. Do I see the reflection of Christ? Do others see the reflection of Christ?