Normal Makes Me Furious

Allow me to warn you before you read any further, A few hours ago I posted on Twitter that I was having a pity party. Normally I don’t write when I’m in pity party mode. I have, however, moved on from the pity stage into the angry stage. So the coast may be clear now. There shouldn’t be much whining (notice I said “much”) but I can almost guarantee there will be anger.

I am furious at Fibromyalgia. Normally I just roll with the flow. But when I take too much time to think I remember the days when I was normal. I remember the days of waiting for Ron to get home from work and then suggesting we go to the mall or out to dinner. There were actually days I would get a shower and get out of the house regularly. I know it’s hard to imagine. I even had a job once! It all seems like a lifetime ago but I’m pretty sure it was me. When I see those times in my mind the woman in my images sure looks like me (although I weighed a LOT less). Now I will say this, Advocare has pretty much taken care of the numbing fatigue we battle. However, nothing cures Fibromyalgia. The pain is still there. The depression is still there. The brain fog is still there.

I apologize repeatedly to Ron for getting “stuck” with me. He’s a workaholic with tons of energy to spare. I feel guilty that I can’t get out and do those things that I know he would like to be doing. But bless his heart he is constantly reassuring me that he loves me. He is an incredible caregiver. But I know there are so many things he would love for us to do together. He deserves so much more. (oops a little whining is slipping in here – sorry) He never makes me feel bad about what I can/can’t do. I’m the one who does that enough for both of us. Sometimes I’m so mad at my body that I could spit nails.

And I still have no idea how growing up with a sick mother is going to affect the kids long term. We have tried to keep things as close to normal for them as possible. We’ve worked hard at never allowing my illness to hinder them from experiencing the things they want to do in life. But I’m sure someday I will see something in them that will make me think “if I hadn’t been sick they wouldn’t do/feel/think that”. That’ll make me mad all over again.

So for now I would just like to give Fibromyalgia a swift kick in the backside. Either that or I’d like to wipe my mind clear of those “normal” days so they can’t haunt me now. They are such a tease. And I don’t like it – not even a little bit!


6 thoughts on “Normal Makes Me Furious

  1. I am having the same Fibro day … rarely do I let myself wallow .. I have to much to do. I am sole caregiver to my hub with End Stg Prog MS. I have been energy challenged for several days in a row and can’t shake it. My whole body has given up … so for today I too am backside kick and pray for no memory of NORMAL days. High five sista … hope for control soon.

    • I think anyone with chronic illnesses/pain worry about how it affects anyone that they’re close to. I’m not married nor do I have children, but I do have parents and siblings, and other close family members. I know it wouldn’t affect them the same as it would my own children….but it does play a part in their life and affect them too.

  2. Thanks for sharing your thoughts/feelings openly! I, too, have had chronic pain issues since I was 12. (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) It’s hard not to think of the “what if’s” or the “I use to be able to”…And even the, “I wish I could”…I think all who suffer in some way have their up and down days.

  3. Since my “hands” issue the last 2 1/2 months, I have found myself apologizing to Larry that he is stuck with me. I apologized to him that he did not sign up for this. I feel so helpless because I can’t do the normal things I have always been able to do and I am sad, angry and very frustrated because no one has been able to tell me so far why I can’t. I can only imagine what you have been through living with it for years now, but I totally get what you have been feeling. I feel guilty when I don’t have the energy to make it through a Saturday or Sunday and just have to go back to bed. I sure wish I could kick whatever mine is in the backside too. I would just like to give mine a name too.

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