Allow me to warn you before you read any further, A few hours ago I posted on Twitter that I was having a pity party. Normally I don’t write when I’m in pity party mode. I have, however, moved on from the pity stage into the angry stage. So the coast may be clear now. There shouldn’t be much whining (notice I said “much”) but I can almost guarantee there will be anger.
I am furious at Fibromyalgia. Normally I just roll with the flow. But when I take too much time to think I remember the days when I was normal. I remember the days of waiting for Ron to get home from work and then suggesting we go to the mall or out to dinner. There were actually days I would get a shower and get out of the house regularly. I know it’s hard to imagine. I even had a job once! It all seems like a lifetime ago but I’m pretty sure it was me. When I see those times in my mind the woman in my images sure looks like me (although I weighed a LOT less). Now I will say this, Advocare has pretty much taken care of the numbing fatigue we battle. However, nothing cures Fibromyalgia. The pain is still there. The depression is still there. The brain fog is still there.
I apologize repeatedly to Ron for getting “stuck” with me. He’s a workaholic with tons of energy to spare. I feel guilty that I can’t get out and do those things that I know he would like to be doing. But bless his heart he is constantly reassuring me that he loves me. He is an incredible caregiver. But I know there are so many things he would love for us to do together. He deserves so much more. (oops a little whining is slipping in here – sorry) He never makes me feel bad about what I can/can’t do. I’m the one who does that enough for both of us. Sometimes I’m so mad at my body that I could spit nails.
And I still have no idea how growing up with a sick mother is going to affect the kids long term. We have tried to keep things as close to normal for them as possible. We’ve worked hard at never allowing my illness to hinder them from experiencing the things they want to do in life. But I’m sure someday I will see something in them that will make me think “if I hadn’t been sick they wouldn’t do/feel/think that”. That’ll make me mad all over again.
So for now I would just like to give Fibromyalgia a swift kick in the backside. Either that or I’d like to wipe my mind clear of those “normal” days so they can’t haunt me now. They are such a tease. And I don’t like it – not even a little bit!