Opening Up The Wounds

I have been putting off this post for a VERY long time. And the original reason it started bothering me infuriates me even more but I really can’t get into that very much. So if it seems like some of this post is a little disconnected….well, it will be.

I have continued to ignore it but I think I’m just gonna feel better if I just say it and get it out of my head so I can move on. Who knows – I may type it all and end up not even posting it. A lot of people will be happy about that one.

About 18 months ago – after 3 years of being on Facebook – I suddenly disappeared. I was gone for a year. If you know anything about me at all you know that I am a transparent person. I deal with invisible illnesses but I feel my ministry is to bring them to the light to provide support and information for education. I live with Chronic Depression and Fibromyalgia. Those conditions may be easy for some people to hide but they aren’t for everyone. That comes into play in the reason for a lot of what I share in the realm of social media. Am I TOO open? Maybe for some people. Should that be MY problem? NO! I am ME! If you don’t like what I do or say – that is not my problem. It really doesn’t have to be ANYONE’S problem. A better explanation is that it’s probably just none of your business if it bothers you. I don’t make your business MY business so please grant me the same courtesy.

There are people in my life who have personalities completely different than mine who would prefer I wasn’t so transparent but they have graciously not expected me to abide according to their personality. I really can’t explain how much I appreciate that. I am a stay at home mom. I started out being a SAHM because it was the right thing for our family. However, since becoming ill, it has become a necessity because of my medical problems. So the online world has become, for the most part, my only contact or influence with the outside world. It has not been an easy transition. But I have now settled into a routine with it. I have this blog (which is a place I can, for the most part, be open and honest). I have Twitter. I HAD Facebook. That’s when the problem began.

Someone stepped up and voiced to those around me that THEY thought I was TOO OPEN on Facebook. This person (who has NEVER had a FB) told me, to my face, that they have looked at my Facebook and “it seems to all be all about you”. Honestly, my blood pressure went through the roof, my chin hit the floor and I was speechless (for a few seconds). EXCUSE ME? THAT’S WHAT FACEBOOK IS!!!!! It’s MY profile with MY information with MY thoughts with MY likes/dislikes. I’m not sure where this person, who had never had a FB got off telling ME how to run my FB profile! And 18 months later I, honestly, still don’t get it. I was infuriated. I don’t think I have ever been madder in my life. And the pace of my heartbeat right now tells me that it still really makes me mad. So, to keep the peace, I deactivated my account. Some of you may know when that happened and I disappeared.

I took a year to rethink the entire thing. I refocused some of my priorities. I spent some time away from social media. It was hard in the beginning. Then I began feeling like it was time to go back. I really missed the contact I had with people thru my accounts. I missed the ministry I had. I realized I needed that outlet in my walk thru my illness and the seclusion it brings. So, I stripped down my friends list to a group of people I knew I could trust to not judge me. In actuality if you search for me you won’t even be able to find me. I have certain accounts blocked from spying eyes who look for opportunities to find fault.. I find myself thinking twice before saying things, which is probably a good idea. I have just maintained more control over those who I let into my circle. I do confirm some people who send me friend requests. However, 90% of the people who send me a request I do not confirm. It may not be because of them personally but because of who I might find myself opened up to by “being their friend” on FB.

So I suppose that person did me a favor in a round about way. And I suppose I still have a lot of anger toward them – which I need to deal with. My relationship with them will never be what it was before. But I think this confrontation did teach me to be even less judgmental than I was before. I’ve never thought of myself as being a judgmental person because I don’t like to be judged. I’ve become more sensitive to it in other people – especially those around me. I snap my mouth shut a lot more. And believe it or not I am not easily offended. I kind of think this situation was an exception to that because I believe it was MEANT to be offensive. I must say I find myself even more guarded about what I say and share. I suppose that’s not a bad thing. I’m struggling with finding the balance between being transparent and over sharing. I’ve learned a number of lessons thru this experience. I know some people have wondered about why I’ve not friended them or let them in. Who knows – I may in time. But right now I’m a little tentative. And I’m still very raw. My spirit is bruised. My heart is wounded but healing over.

Well, thank you for reading if you made it this far. I expect some  hand slapping in the comments. But I hope you’ll understand if your comment doesn’t get approved. Sometimes a person just needs to protect themselves. Thank you for your patience with me.

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19 thoughts on “Opening Up The Wounds

  1. WOW I sure hope I’m not one of “those” people. I feel like I have tried to be supportive and non-judgmental. While I have never had to experience the physical and emotional problems you have encountered I can identify with the need to have some contact with other adults. If I have somehow offended you I am sorry. I don’t understand why you have me blocked on FB and Twitter but it is your business as you said! In my opinion, we all have the right to scroll over comments that we don’t have time to read or don’t want to. I am praying that you find a way to deal with your anger in a productive way – Anger can eat you up! I do read your blog and find it interesting and informative.

  2. what a ridiculous thing for that person to have said. has s/he never seen anybody else’s FB page? it always amazes me that some people think they know us better than we know ourselves, and that they have to make it their business.

    i think it’s great that you have opened up about this!

  3. I can honestly empathize with you…as much as I love my facebook I am beginning to despise those that use it for the wrong reasons. I’m glad you vented on here!

  4. It is amazing what people will say in their ignorance. facebook is a media for people to share about themselves and their lives. Thanks for allowing me in. Continue to minister as you see fit and the Lord leads you.

  5. Pam, SO glad you opened up about this. I really missed you when you were gone from FB. I can relate with a lot of your feelings, because I struggle with some of the same issues (and can be very transparent, too). I know how it feels to be hurt by people we’ve trusted, and opened up to, and shared ourselves with–only to have them brutally use that against us. SO sorry you went through this, but just know I understand and hurt with you. I have also had to more carefully streamline my FB, too. ((((hugs))))

    • I am learning there are a lot of hurting people out there. And I am glad that my post has given all if us the opportunity to stand up and drop our masks!

  6. Wow, whoever said what they said was just being rude and ignorant. Obviously that person did not know how to keep their mouth shut! The way I see it is this: If you think I am being too “open” or “sharing” on Facebook, then there is a hide feed button or a block button for a reason. You don’t have to look at my posts or my statuses or photos. If YOU venture onto MY page and read MY stuff then come to me saying that I share too much, then simply do not go to my page! People are always going to talk and run their mouths, Mrs. Hunter. Just let them talk! (I mean, they are gonna do it anyways, so just give them more to talk about, lol.)

  7. Pam:

    I missed you when you were absent from FB. I actually asked your Mom if you were OK. I’m glad you are back. Your transparency is refreshing! Blessing to you!

  8. Pam, Im grateful to my friend Connie for introducing us. I dont feel as guilty about having fibro as a single mom. Because of your posts, I feel like I dont do so bad after all and whether you know it or not you are encouraging many people! I, myself, do not care to be told, ” anger isnt productive ” or “anger will eat you up”. Its an emotion we all have and its ok to feel it. If we were more sensitive to each other there would be less anger and more love. I also keep my mouth shut more, stand up for whats right more, less judgmental and more compassionate of others. You have every right to voice your opinion as you wish. So keep on blogging for the sake of us that need to feel so not alone 🙂

    • Lisa, thank you so much, first of all for reading my blog. It really does help me to have this outlet. And it encourages me to know I am bringing acceptance and understanding to others like us. I appreciate you!!

  9. Girlfriend! I wondered why you disappeared! OMGoodness…I hope that I have never “come off” as judgmental. You know I have struggled with depression and MS and I’ve have to get rid of a lot of people who want to tell you to “just get over yourself” – actual words that were said to me. Be yourself! Say what you need to say! That’s who you are and that is all you can ever be expected to be! Love and praying for you and your spirit…

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