Living in a Fog

I have mentioned here that Ron and I are doing our own Bible Study here at home on Wednesday nights.  We have been hashing through some stuff. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna bore you with any of our baggage. well, maybe just some of MY baggage. Lord knows I have enough of it.  Last night we covered a million miles of stuff. I told him that I wish he could live just a couple of days inside of my head to see what it’s like to live in a brain similar to swiss cheese and full of smog and fog – all of which goes along with Fibromyalgia. I find that one of the hardest things to describe. It really just seems to come across as an excuse. I understand why it could appear that way. And to be completely honest that ticks me off. Why would anyone make this up? Who COULD make this stuff up? I tried to explain is as if there is a barricade right above the top of my head that keeps any thoughts from escaping or creeping in. But the inside of the brain is best illustrated by these two pictures:

Can't see anything through the fog!

And this is what it looks like when something new tries to get through.

The body language when this is going on is similar to what you see in the movies when a patient is over drugged in one of those mental institutions and they just stare straight ahead but aren’t really looking at anything and don’t seem to hear anything going on around them.

I would love to sit down with someone who could explain to me what exactly is going on in the brain of a fibromyalga patient. Why do we get fibro fog? What does our brain look like on a given day – foggy or otherwise? What is going on up there? It feels like brain cells are dying by the thousands every single day. It’s so mysterious. Sometimes people don’t believe Fibro is a legit illness – that it’s just all in our head. Well, I would say then that that is the ONLY thing in my head. That seems to be the headquarters for the pain, fatigue and fog we experience every day. I wish there was some kind of procedure that could be done – like McDreamy does on Grey’s – that can just be zapped or burned off and destroy Fibro. It’s just such a nuisance.

Living in a fog is not really living! It’s merely existing from one day to the next whether you want to or not. Honestly I’d rather NOT!

Is This Written In Korean or English?

I got this fancy shmancy new Lumix camera for Mother’s Day. It’s wonderful and I love it. However, as is usually the case with electronics, it is smarter than I am and that just irritates me. I (Michael) figured out how to record a video on my fancy shmancy camera right before the choir sang for competition last week. Until then all I knew how to do was point, zoom (which made me feel very photogish) and shoot. When it was time for Xample to get on stage to sing I walked right up to the front row – like a stage mom who knew what she was doing – and sat there recording the performance. I wasn’t completely confident that I was actually recording anything. But I did what Michael said. So, it had to be right. Right?

I didn’t even check it until that night in the room. I didn’t want to be disappointed that I flubbed it up. See I’m not the brightest bulb in the box. My brain, as we have established in a previous entry, is like swiss cheese. So it’s very possible that I may APPEAR that I am smart but that merely means I am one brilliant actress. My head feels as empty as it will when I am six feet under and long in Heaven. I can walk with my head held high, put a smile on my face and fake it with the best of them.

When I got to the room and saw that I had recorded it properly I must say I was quite proud. Now I just needed to figure out how to get it from that foreign object in my hand here to my blog. Hmmmmmm blank again……but seeing as how the transfer cord was at home I would just have to wait to see what happens. I finally got to the point of downloading the pictures from the camera to the computer after getting home. Wouldn’t you know that the pictures downloaded perfectly but the videos are nowhere to be found on the computer. Sooooooooo now what! Michael has already left for camp. All I’ve got is Ron who I like to call “figure it out for yourself man”. We downloaded the owners manual and my job is to now interpret the owner’s manual and produce a result.

Now have any of you who have swiss cheese for a brain tried to interpret one of these owner’s manuals. Seriously – I can’t tell if I’m reading the Korean half or the English half of the book. So all of that to say if you want to see the video I think you will either have to 1.) wait till MIchael gets home and can figure it out for me or 2.) just come on over and sit by me here on the couch and I will play it for you directly from the camera. Because if it’s left up to me to figure out then THAT is where it will stay.

My Brain Is Swiss Cheese

When I sit down to write why is my brain always on empty? Am I the only one who has this problem? Am I the only one who just sits down and starts typing without any idea what they are going to say? Sometimes I wonder what my brain actually looks like. I imagine it looking something like this:

A Fibro Foggy Brain

There are times I really worry about what goes on in my head – or more accurately, what DOESN’T go on in my head….like thinking…..sometimes I imagine my death as occurring merely because my brain forgot how to tell the rest of my body to stay alive. Has anyone ever died from Fibro Fog?

Something occurred Sunday morning that just flabbergasted me. (I’ve never really used that word in a blog entry before but I think I kind of like it.) Bear with me here while I do some math……………… long do you have? Never mind, I’ll use a calculator. You’re welcome! Ok we moved in this house approximately 1,672 days ago (September 21, 2006 – today). Let’s say I have taken approximately 1,600 of those days. (give me a break on the 72 days, ok? do you take a shower EVERY day?). You would think after taking approximately 1,600 showers in a 4 years and 7 months I would have learned how to turn off my shower. Wouldn’t you think that would be about right? Apparently Sunday morning the “turn off the shower” part of my brain was located in one of those holes pictured in the swiss cheese photo above. After I drug myself through the showering process – which is quite taxing at times for those of us with various chronic illnesses – such as Fibromyalgia – I proceeded to turn off the water so I could finish getting ready for church. At some point between my turning the faucet ON 10 minutes previously until the time I was ready to turn it off….SOMEONE CHANGED THE FAUCET!!!! I had NO CLUE how to turn the dadgum thing off. I rinsed my hair and turned around to turn the water off, I reached for it and promptly dropped my hand because I could not figure out how to turn it off. WHO DOES THAT??? It’s really very simple. You turn it left to turn it on and you turn it right to turn it off. I stood there staring at it asking myself….how do I turn this off?….what do I do with that handle?…I’m sure that’s where you turn it off but HOW? Geez Louise! Did I feel like a complete idiot. Eventually I figured it out. The water has not been running for 3 days waiting for me to figure it out. Thankfully!

Anyway, what are we supposed to do with this mess of a brain we have? How do you think around the holes in the cheese? Really! Am I supposed to write notes and put them all over the house about how to turn lights on and off or the shower on and off? Is that what Fibro Fog leads to? I just feel sorry for my family. Last night we were in the boonies at a soccer game. After the game I was on the phone with Ron and he asked me where I was. I had no idea! I had driven there – an hour drive. (WE WON by the way!!) But after the game I’m sitting in my truck and had no idea what town I was in. I knew the way to drive. I just didn’t know what town it was. I had to ask Lauren and even when she said it I told her that wasn’t it. Poor child! I’m sure my family thinks I have long ago lost my ever lovin’ mind! And I think they’re right!

It’s very frustrating but I have to say sometimes after the frustration passes it is comical. I mean if you don’t laugh you’ll go even crazier. So is it any wonder that I never know what I’m gonna write about until I sit down and start typing. Apparently today I’m gonna write about how holey (not holy) my brain is. Face it, it’s swiss cheese…that’s just the fact of the matter. I would imagine it could come in handy at times though – like if there is something you are supposed to do but don’t want to do….nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………ok maybe………………….

Thanks for letting me Pour My Heart Out. Jump over to Shell’s blog and share your heart.

Grumpy, Confused, Fat, Sleepy Blogging

It is Wednesday. That means a lot of things. It means it is hump day. I’ve always hated that name because of the connotations with the word “hump”. If there is anything I don’t wanna do is actually hump a DAY much less…..oh never mind. And in the blogging world it is also Wordless Wednesday or for some of us wordy types there is Semi-Wordless Wednesday. It also means that it is church night. For a variety of reasons – none of which you care about – I do not usually attend church on Wednesday nights. I shan’t bore you with the circumstances that have led me to that decision. Unless you ask of course….go ahead and ask….I dare ya! However, my kids go to youth group on Wednesday nights. We have an incredible youth group and if it’s possible my kids actually whine (at 16 & 17) if they can’t go for whatever reason. And as a parent who hated whining when they were 2 I still hate it when they are 16 and 17. Thankfully Michael can drive so he can take his whining sister away from me – far far far away from me.

It also means that it is Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday from over at Shell’s blog, Things I Can’t Say. When I actually try to think about things that I can’t say I realize that most of the time I actually DO say them anyway. So, what does that give me to write about on Wednesdays? Well, I can always come up with things to say. So here we go! I think today’s topic is something that everyone will be able to identify with, if not now then surely at some point in your past you have had to deal with it. Even if you didn’t please lie to me and tell me that you have so I don’t feel like such a freak. Thanks that’d be great!

I have no earthly idea what my brain could possibly be thinking by sleeping 5 or 6 hours during the DAY and then only sleeping 3 hours some nights while other nights sleeping a full 7 hours. I swear my sleep spot in my brain is totally bipoloar. What’s up with that? Why am I sleeping during the day and occasionally sleep all night but then sleep next to nothing other nights. I don’t get it! I take enough medicine in a day/night to knock out a horse. I take Ambien. I even have to get special approval to take a dosage of Ambien over the recommended dosage. I take 15 mgs of Ambien every night and I NEVER miss a dose. Yet some nights I sleep 7 hours and other nights I sleep 3 hours. BIPOLAR I TELL YOU! BIPOLAR!!

Do you know what happens to your body when you don’t get proper sleep in a night? Huh? Do you? Answer me!! Well, first of all it makes you short tempered! See there. I have a medical excuse to be grumpy. So, deal with it or else hit me over the head with a hammer each night. Know what else happens? YOU SLEEP ALL DAY!!! That’s just dumb!

Some other symptoms of not sleeping enough are:

Yawning during the day. Well, duhhhhhhhhh. And is there anything more annoying than a person who tries to talk through a yawn or who makes one of those irritating groaning kind of sounds with EVERY SINGLE YAWN? I’m already grumpy people – don’t make me slap you for being annoying.

Lack of concentration. Those of us with Fibromyalgia have hard enough problems avoiding Fibro Fog we don’t need anything else to steal the very little amount of brain activity we operate off of with a full night’s sleep.

And this is a new one on me – but apparently lack of sleep is directly related to weight gain! So THAT’S where all these pounds have come from……..and here I thought it was all the junk food I eat and all the TV I watch. So, glad that it’s just the lack of sleep.

So there you have it! That’s what you get from me when I have been awake since 3 a.m. after only 3 hours of sleep. You get a grumpy, confused, irritated, yawning, fat blogger.

By the way, hope you’re enjoying that full night of sleep you are getting. HMPH!!

A Morning Of Fibro Fog – What It’s Really Like

Ok – I thought I would fill you in on what Fibro Fog is like. I’ve been dealing with a lot of it lately. So, here it is in written form. It shouldn’t be too hard to figure out. Getting through just a morning of Fibro Fog would look something like this.

I need to make……………………………………………….what was that I needed to make…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………I’m hungry – I should make breakfast. (Stare blindly straight ahead for about 5 minutes) Seems like there is something I was gonna do……………I should start a load of……………………………………….these dirty towels are piled awfully high………………………………………………………………………………………Oooo a magazine………………..(pick up magazine and look at it but not actually see it)………………………..what was I gonna do? Oh I need to text……..who was that again……………..the towels…..I need to text the towels……………………no wait……………who is that on this magazine? I’ve seen them before. I think their name starts with a T…………..(stomach growls)…..I’m hungry……………….maybe I’ll eat some uhhhhhhhhhh…….some uhhhhhhhhhh……..that stuff I like to eat………dang it what is it called? It starts with a T……………no wait……that’s the magazine………oh look…………………I should wash these towels…….hey that starts with a T too.  Maybe I’ll take a nap. (sleep for an hour and wake up).  What day is this again………….I need to text that one girl…………………………………..WOW it’s only 10:00………………………..did I take my medicine? (stare blankly at the TV till lunch when I realize I’m still hungry)

And THAT my friends is a morning of Fibro Fog! Welcome to my brain!