Even if the Healing Doesn’t Come…

This week I was driving home from my oncologist’s office and heard a song that reached out and grabbed me. You will understand why in a little bit. I have once again been trying to figure out how and why I seem so accepting of my situation. I have a lot of doubts running through my mind. Are people going to think I’m not grateful for their prayers? Do people think that I don’t actually have/had cancer? Do others think I’m faking? Do I not care about my own health? Do those around me get the impression that I don’t need them or want their help? I can ask all of those questions because I have asked them of myself. I am not a worrier by nature. I mean there times that I am concerned about how something is going to turn out. There are times that I feel like I have to step in to act on something so it goes “the right way”. But, for the most part, I do not sit around all day and dream up things to worry about. I know people who do that and it makes no sense to me. But my own reaction in this process is puzzling to me as well.

I heard this song by Kutless on K-Love coming home this week. It moved me and made me truly consider how this cancer scare could end up. While I’m confident that this time I’m going to be ok I cannot speak for the next time around or the time after that or the time after that. Who knows how many times I will be in this fight for my life. I’m speaking honestly here. This is a topic that is on my mind a lot. I believe any cancer patient will tell you it is forefront of their mind as well. If they say they haven’t thought about it then they are lying or living in denial. The words of this song spoke directly to my thoughts. Here is the you tube video of the song with the words to follow. I will have more to say after you watch it. The title is Even If.

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

So I believe the answer to my question of whether I am taking this fight seriously lies within the words of this song. II Chronicles 20:15 says “For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” I have completely laid this battle at the feet of Jesus. God is walking with me. I have given it to Him. When my life was falling apart I prayed and asked God to take it all because I couldn’t fight it alone. He is good, faithful and true. His shoulders are strong enough to carry the burden of my cancer and my treatments. I could never carry them alone and can’t imagine ever trying to. The day my primary care doctor found “something” in my abdomen and sent me immediately to have an ultrasound I remember praying as I laid on that bed. I prayed that whatever was going to happen would be a simple fix but that if it wasn’t that the Lord would carry me through it. That was a good 48 hours before I heard the words “you have an ovarian tumor.” He is Good and Faithful. He picked me up and has been carrying me ever since.


So, am I taking this seriously? Of course I am! But am I worried about it? There are parts that concern me but for the most part I can say no I’m not. Am I ok if the healing doesn’t come? That’s a harder question to answer. But I have faith in my redeemer. He watches over me and carries me along the path. He hides me in the shelter of His wings (Ps. 61:4). Whatever His will is my future I will learn to accept. By the time that comes I honestly say the Lord will have done enough work in me and my family’s lives that I can say I would have the faith I need in Him to say Yes I would be ok. If He is walking with me now then when life is falling apart and the hurricane hits He will be strong enough to carry us through then. But until that time I will tuck myself safely into his feathers and settle in right here where I am.